Draco Malfoy's Diary Of Ways To Kill Harry Potter
by Bondariana
Summary: Draco Malfoy hates Harry Potter (well durr…) Diary of Draco Malfoy from 3rd year with different ways to kill, maim or torture Harry Potter (sworn enemy extraordinaire).
1. Chapter 1

Draco Malfoy's Diary Of Ways To Kill, Maim or Torture Harry Potter

Summary: Draco Malfoy hates Harry Potter (well durr…) Diary of Draco Malfoy from 3rd year with different ways to kill, maim or torture Harry Potter (sworn enemy extraordinaire).

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. J.K. got filthy rich from creating them.

Dedication: to Nina as she was the one that wanted me to write a draco fic and wants me to do a chaptered one and then a sequel...

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September 5th  
Hogwarts School of Evilness and Mastery  
The Holy Room of All that is Powerful (Draco's Bedroom)  
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I, Draconis Artemis Lucius Ponniekins Malfoyitis the 16th, have decided to write a diary.

I know – bow down in horror and awe of my amazing brain power as it is so obviously much larger then yours...

I came up with this amazing and awe inspiring idea when I discovered that somehow, my humungous, giganticbrain did not have the capacity to contain all my thoughts and wishes on different ways to Kill, Maim or Torture the already hideous Harry Potter.

Harry Potter, the thorn in my otherwise perfect backside, is my only TRUE enemy – there fore you must hate him to! MWAH HA HA HA HA!

Ways to kill Harry Potter

1.murder with throwing axe used by Vikings in the 10th Century.

2. drown in a well (would he fit – his head is far to big…)

3.slowly kill Dumbledore and then the apparently all mighty Harry Potter will bow to my will (if he doesn't die first from loosing his all famous and wealthy and loving icon or addorance).

NOTE TO SELF: Make addorance a word as soon as possible so that people reading this diary (as the most definitely will when I have finally fulfilled my ONLY DREAM OF KILLING HARRY POTTER well, actually that isn't my only dream… just one of many… and the highest on the list… ) will understand my complete genius at coming up with such a cool cool word…

4. attack violently with sharp nails conveniently filed into talons (not my own, god – I don't want pieces of him stuck under my nails…)

5. drown in cauldron of pigs blood and toad entrails (go Draco – you can think of the most _gruesome_ stuff!)

6. I could always order Crabbe to urinate in his mouth but I don't actually wish that on anyone considering that you never know 'Where That's Been ©'

Homework –

Stupid Transfiguration Essay – why can't McGonagall ever 'Give Us A Break'©! We KNOW this – god, even stupid smart arse Mudblood Granger would be annoyed by now. She's probably practising to. Stuff Potter. Stuff Granger

7. drop Mudblood Granger's bag of heavy Arithmacy text books on his groin and feet.

Potions Essay on Dung Beetle Properties – Snape – now there's a teacher that you can rely on to punish Gryffindors to the largest extent that you can get away with. starts doing cheerleading dance for SnapeSNAPE, SNAPE, HE'S OUR MAN! IF HE CAN'T DO IT, NO ONE CAN! Cough, cough – okay, off the sugar. You never saw that. Or heard it. Or read it. OH STUFF IT! IT NEVER HAPPENED!

8. leave in a room with Snape for 20 years… smirks at own brilliant plan.

9. subject to an eternity of potions lesson with robot Snape who owns a cane… (sometimes I even amaze myself)

Care of Magical Creatures (get used to opening book) – of course that half giant would give us a bloody BITING book. GOD! IT BROKE MY NAIL! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW PAINFUL THAT IS! I do… And of course Potter hugs 'Stupid Half Giant' © every time he sees that 'Lump of Screwed Up Slime' ©.

10. set 'Stupid Biting Book' © on face and throat so as to slowly maul and punish potter for living. Stupid 'Boy Who Wouldn't Die' ©.

Any way, must go. Important torturing of 1st years to be done. They must learn to understand my power!

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September 8th  
Hogwarts School of Evilness and Slavery  
Potions Chamber of Torture for Gryffindors  
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At last a decent lesson with a proper teacher with 'Torturous Tendencies' © to wards Gryffindors.

I can feel an evil cackle coming on. Potter looks miserable. Serves him right. SANPE IS HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! AHOUO! HOT TO GO! AHOU! HOT TO GO! That didn't happen. You never read it, glimpsed it, sung it, burped it, farted it, masturbated it, said it or ANYTHING! Got it! Good…

11. block his nose with beetle yes so he can only breath through his mouth for the rest of his life (go Draco – think dirrrrrty!)

12. subject to pictures of Peter Pettigrew doing a strip tease (ewww… even I wouldn't want to see such a thing.)

I remember this movie that I saw over the summer holidays – Titanic – yes that's it. It made me cry. But I had one really big question – how could she NOT break a nail during that movie! They were always perfect. I now want my nails like that. I'll ask my father for a manicure voucher in Hogsmeade for Christmas – I'll need it by then.

13.drown in a bottle of manicure substance – wait no – waste of good manicure mixture – hold up. That was never mentioned. Its Crossed out!

13.bury under piles of snow

oh well must get o with this charming potion that will cause warts. Hope to put some in Potters pants at some time or another but do not want to touch him. Ewww Potter germs…

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AN: OKay -I tried to cross out the evil mistake of 13 but this evil evil evil document manager won't let me so yeah. its meant to be crossed out. 


	2. Chapter 2

Draco Malfoy's diary of Ways to Kill, Maim And Torture Harry Potter

Summary: Draco Malfoy hates Harry Potter (well durr…) Diary of Draco Malfoy from 3rd year with different ways to kill, maim or torture Harry Potter (sworn enemy extraordinaire)

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters. J.K. got filthy rich from creating them.

Chapter 2

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September 17th  
Hogwarts School of Evilness and Mastery  
Hall of Great Food  
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Pumpkin juice has become a major part in my life since the beginning of this glorious year. Although, the fact that Mudblood Granger also drinks it puts a slight dampener on its superfluous taste.

NOTE TO SELF: look up superfluous (Mudblood Granger probably know so I should know to so that in the future I can apprehend her with my amazing sarcasm and overly known vocabulary. She will bow down to me!)

14. Kill Weasel (that way Potter will die of a broken heart and suffer in more ways then one. Look at them cuddle over there on the Gryffindor table – despicable. He is only 13 and should not be showing his preferences at this stage in his already to long life. Damn that 'Boy Who Will Not Die' ©).

15. Publicly humiliate him by telling everyone of his preference and love of Dumbledore… Mwah Ha ha Ha Ha! My own genius occasionally surprises even me!

Teacher Relationships with Potter:

McGonagall – that old hag couldn't like anyone. Ever. Potter probably loves her anyway just because Mudblood Granger does. What is wrong with that group!

Snape – best Teacher-Student relationship I've ever seen. Mutual contempt works wonders on points lost from Gryffindor.

Lupin – now that is disgusting – the teacher sucks up to the boy and the boy is slowly fawning over the teacher. Absolutely despicable

16. Kill lupin ( potter will yet again die from loss of eye candy. (did I just say THAT! Excuse me while I go wash my mouth and hand with soap. Never will happen again. Lupin is SO not cute, hot, attractive or any other word to do with liking appearances. Snape is SO much more pleasing to look at then that half worn thing…)

Trelawney – Firstly – NO I am NOT stalking the Ugly Harry Potter I just now he does divination. Now – apparently, Trelawney predicts his death every lesson. I should start documenting those tales in this charming journal of the beautiful and all wonderful Draco!

17. Allow Sirius Black to kill.

18. Hand over to Mouldy Wart for Torture, Rape and Killing. (might actually be scaring for our all powerful Dark Lord Spirit as it runs around freely in the forests somewhere hoping that Potter will be stupid enough to go there. Though – Potter might be dumb enough… but it might take a while.

October 5th  
Hogwarts School of Evilness And Mastery  
Quidditch pitch of Miserable Gryffindor Triumphs  
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This year we will thrash their tawny ass'! We will flatten them in to the muddy ground. We will whip them into miserable submission. We WILL triumph over the 'Evil House Of Bravery And Uglyness' © this year. We WILL NOT FAIL!

SLYTHERIN IS HOT TO GO! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! (didn't happen – you know the drill people, you never read it, it never happened, and you will not repeat what you read, heard or saw in this diary -why am I still talking about it because you love my voice – obviously you should just forget everything. OBLIVIOUS!)

Homework –

Another stupid Care Of Magical Creatures Assignment – Can that massive lump of dogs droppings ever teach properly. Last class a massive piece of chow mein doggy doo attacked me. Of course – being the absolutely spiffing actor that I am – played up a tiny scratch to milk all that's worth out of it. I didn't actually know that it would attack me if I insulted it because why would I listen to that lumping oaf! Why am I even justifying myself to you. You should just bow down and praise me for my brilliance. Gorgeous Pansy has been fawning over me ever since because she ( like you should without question) loves me for who I am and my superior intelligence.

What is wrong with Binns (History Essay – 2 scrolls WHAT THE HELL?)! He is obviously dead (even if he doesn't realise it). How can he even HOLD out essays! They would go straight though his stupid see through hands. And then his notes would have to be GHOST PAPER! Which they are NOT! And HOW can he even hold a quill or inkpot to mark! And how does CARRY stuff! Stuff Binns and his stupid ghostlyness.

19. Put at mercy of raging Hippogriphs who will trample him when I attach a recording of Hippogriph insults to his hair (there is enough of it).

20. Permanently attach to Binns so that he will slowly freeze to death (ghosts are evil).

Potions Test revision – do I even need to revise?1 NO! I am perfect at everything. Therefore I must not need to revise for a simple potions pop test that I will never fail thanks to my startlingly large intelligence and vocabulary! Actually – considering my previous marks (always 1 point below Mudblood Grangers I should probably revise sometime tonight.

21. Swamp in 25 pop tests a day so he has no time to eat.

22. Poison his food – very painfully. Hopefully the poison will also attack Weasley and Mudblood Granger – they deserve to die the same death as their favourite little 'Boy Who Is Dumb' ©.

Defence Against The Dark Arts Essay on Lochart – evil creep. I mean – who in their right mind would subject themselves to Cornish Pixies! What an idiot! And you know what else? Mudblood Granger LIKES him. It seems as though this is the only front that Potter and I agree on. Disgusts me – how could any woman like 'That Thing' ©. Not that Mudblood Granger is a woman of course… actually that's a matter of opinion – Weasley appears to like her.

23. Attacked to death by a swarm of Granger – Weasley brats.

25. Turn into another Lochart (although that might also harm the world… not my fault – its just another way for Potter to suffer.

NOTE TO SELF: Make sure that next time I am insulting Potter to spit out his name like it should be. In fact – I shouldn't be saying his name at all – its tarnishing my poor poor reputation.

Excuse me while I go wash my mouth out with soap.

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AN: 

Credit goes to my reviewers who inspired me to make this more then what it was… (again I apologise for any typo's or spelling mistakes… I did check) I'm sorry it isn't longer but that's my fault – I just wanted to get it up sooner…

serena – yes, I will try that idea (just maybe not Harry walking in on him…).

amaris fluke - I hate that stupid document manager – doesn't let you do anything.

Shading in Grey – I know (wailing) I notice all my mistakes after I've put it up, and then I can't be bothered changing it. I am improving slightly – and there aren't THAT many typo's…

xsizzlesistax – thanx for reviewing my darling friend!

Black-illusion – you shouldn't have signed in rach… now I can read your stuff (evil laughter). And I can't attack you with beetle's… I don't like touching them…

Black Padfoot – I love you! You review all my stories and make me feel happy… Thank you soo much.

Obsessivescottishdemocrat – nice name… nice personality…

Ruler-of-da-World – you crack me up with your random bursts of different languages…

elastic spastic called keith – 1. nice name… 2. you were wetting yourself (eyebrow twitch)

Lady –Mearle – as you can see above – I have used your idea…

Beanzmeanzheinz – teacher? (eyebrow quirk)… you actually reading this at school! Our stupid new deputy blocked fan fic…

Mooncheese – giggle away

Sibyl Hannah – you laugh like that!

aBLONDEhErMiOnE – number 11? I don't want to remember

maritza chan

AnglxDevl05 – see (pokes out tongue) you didn' have to make me…

Marauder-girl

Teeny –weeny – I know… my typo's increase as I write faster ( I meant type) and yeah…

Bron

Drama Queens Rule – you rock honey! Thank for reading a whole lot of my stories!

Siriusly137 – hello again dani – I did update!


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